I can't believe I'm out without the baby
Oh Sloane, you miss her?
God, no.. These are tears of joy
I'm just so happy no-one here is going to be attacking my nipples
It'll be easier when your hubby gets back from Afghanistan
God, I hope so
I wonder what he does on the weekends..
Oh he goes rock-climbing, and then they have this..
..great little Italian restaurant that's on a promenade
where they don't allow cars and they have wine..
and they dance.
Oh, really?
No, no!
He hides in holes and tries not to get killed
It's a war
Good evening, what can I get for you?
I will have a margarita, no salt
I'm sorry, but we don't serve alcohol here
Umm..
But, if you want a free topper on your popcorn..
..come back as much as you want
They only inventory the bags
Is this your first time ever talking to a woman?
We'll take two medium popcorns and two diets, please
It's a buck less if you share a large combo
Oh, no no no, no thanks
My sister does not like sharing
Especially mouth STD's
Sloane..
You're blowing it for me.. with Stan
Not possible
He has a little boner for you
He's 15.. He just has a little boner
Ever since we've been little girls..
Everybody gets little or big boners for you
Never me
Well, why do you care?
It's not like you're really into sex
Excuse me? You don't know what I'm into
You've made an exclusive contract with a penis that's only in town for maybe 6 days a year
Yes, and that's why my hurt locker is aching
Made by Shimmy, Enjoy.
Lotta dudes in here
Yeah, so weird for a sports bar
Hey, remind me again why we don't ever hook up
You know, just for fun
Because, you're too damn big
Good answer
Chelsea,
You'll never guess who's sitting over there
Matt Gun
Oh my God, Matt Gun?
Oh my God, who is Matt Gun?
He was Sloane's highschool boyfriend
-Chelsea was so hot for him -Come on
How could I not be?
He was the first guy I ever successfully fantasized about, if you know what I mean..
Before that, it was just me and the seesaw
A seesaw still works for me
I'm so excited to show him my boobs
They really took off in 8th grade
I've got a feeling this could really be my year
I never had a chance to knock that when I was little..
..you know, I was in middle school when he was a senior
Hey, I went out with a senior last week
She was 64
And the osteoporosis..
..brought her down to my size
Matt?
Hi, I don't know if you remember me, but I..
..used to try to sit in your lap and kiss you..
..when I was little
Chelsea?
Of course, I remember.. Look at you!
Yeah, all grown up
God, I remember you parading around in Sloane's tubetops and heels
It was hilarious
Oh, hilarious?
Are you saying I wasn't a sexy child?
There's really no good answer to that question
Seriously, how is Sloane?
She's married
Yeah..
Um, just had a baby, and she's really happy
Yeah, so looks like it's gonna stick
Well, tell her I said 'Hi'
And, I don't know if this is weird, but..
I'd love to take you out to dinner sometime
That's really weird..
I would love that!
Give me a call
I will
And, I have my own phone now.. So, should be easy
And my own bedroom
That I don't share with anyone, anymore
That just gets cuter the older you get
I know, but, look at this piece of cheese, Sloane It really looks like it
It must be so neat to have a real sister
I had an imaginary sister when I was 7
Unfortunately, she was stricken with Small Pox
It was heartbreaking..
You know she was imaginary, you could've made her better
Ah, no.. My dad had the power of attorney and pulled the plug
How are you not raised by the State?
You're never gonna guess who I ran into today
-Matt Gun! -Matt Gun?!
My Matt Gun?!
How did he look? What did he say?
Did he ask about me?
Yes, he did, and I said you were doing great
-You know.. Married, had a baby.. -What did he say?
He asked me out
Isn't that funny?
Not at all!
I don't get it either
You can't go out with him
Permission denied!
Absolutely not!
I'm not.. asking permission
Well, then, good! Permission denied twice!
Oh, snap!
You cannot date your sister's ex-boyfriend
That is very slutty
Sloane, I would let you date one of my ex-boyfriends
What? Am I gonna call up Vinny Machato and see what time he gets off..
at the cigarette factory then we can go down to the river and molest each other?
Wow, we're really getting our gal talk on, huh?
Sloane, come on
There's gotta be some sort of boyfriend statue of limitations
I don't wanna argue about this with you, okay?
You should just respect me, because I'm your sister
I don't wanna fight like we're on the Real Housewives of New Jersy
Love them!
Okay! I won't go out with him. Are you happy?
Thrilled
Oh, we're all going to laugh about this when we're old and all still sisters, right?
But, we're not sisters with you
Can you believe Sloane won't let me date her ex-boyfriend?
I know
It's like, if you donate a coat to the salvation army..
..you can't be upset when you see a hobo having sex with it on the street
Exactly
Thank you
You know, Chels? I gotta say.. I think Sloane has a point here
If two sisters are gonna be with the same guy.. It should be at the same time
Technically, they should be twins
Ok Rick, we really need to find you a new booty call
Because, this is getting annoying
I'm working on it
That.. is my ex-girlfriend, Nicky Nattoli
You know, all this talk about Sloane's ex inspired me to look her up
She's like a my-size Barbie
More like a my-size Barbie
Alright, alright, be nice you guys
This is important to me
Alright, Rick. We want you hooked up as much as you do
So, we're gonna make you look good
-Nicky! -Ricky!
Hey!
-Nicky and ricky?! -Icky
Wow, look at you!
You look gorgeous, nicks
Oh, I don't know!
Niiice.
Yeah.
Do you own this place?!
Me? No.
Ohh.
Um, you know, Rick is the big boss around here, so..
We all respect him!
Because he's so fair and good looking
Oh Rick, will you ask that waitress to get me a drink?
Uh, Rick, will you ask your nice friend what she would like to drink?
Oh, I'll take a Kir Royal
And I'm really thirsty and I have to sit down, so..
..if you're done talking to me, could you do it now?
Somewhere in Jersey, there's a hot tub missing a slut
-Thank you, Chelsea. You're awesome. -Yeah, she better put out
Alright
-Hi, Chels -Hey, Dad
Heyy, what can I get you, Melvin?
Keepin' away any mistake drinks?
Uhh, I got a gin and milk?
That sounds horrible!
I'll take it on the rocks!
Uh, hey, Chels. Nicky says the champagne is flat
-I'll take that. -No.
Who's the little fat-free muffin you're sitting with?
That's Rick's ex
Ahh, you found some cum on the bedpost you want to chew again, huh?
Yeah, yeah, I wish
Turns out she's engaged to some guy who's a resident in cosmetic surgery
Oh, I wonder if that stick up her ass is an implant
Yeah, alright, I got my hopes up just a little bit
But, you know I think she's always wanted a certain kind of life
Now, she's getting it, so..
It's Matt Gun.
Hey, Dad, do you remember Matt Gun?
Isn't he the fellow that killed all those prostitutes in Seattle?
No
God, Dad, he dated Sloane for like two years
Mm. I got a little confession to make. I wasn't all that interested in what you kids were doing
Melvin, Sloane won't let Chelsea date Matt Gun Isn't that stupid?
Well, Sloane's your sister
And she's gonna be there for you long after I'm gone
So, you know what you have to do
Lie!
What?!
Yeah, you know when you were kids, I used to go to Dog Track all the time?
No.
That's because I lied!
So, you're telling me it's a lie?
I don't know. I really don't care that much
I hope I'm dressed okay
Matt didn't tell me where he was taking me
I just don't think it's right for you to lie to your own sister
I'm not lying
I'm just waiting to see if our first date is any good
-Why upset Sloane for no reason? -Yeah
You don't wanna mess with Sloane
You don't go into a polar bear cage after a penny
I guess that makes sense
Well, I'm glad we're not lying, because lying literally makes me sick to my stomach
When I was in elementary school, they used to call me
"Pinnochi-Oh-My-God-She-Threw-Up"
So, if Sloane stops by, what should we tell her?
Um, tell her that I ran down to the store to get some bread
No way, she'll never beleive that. Oh! Tell her I'm sleeping with some random guy.
Wait, so we are lying?
Dee, you don't have to lie. Just don't answer the door
Okay, I'm great at avoiding
You mean like when we talk about penises right?
Is that light bulb out?
See, there you go
Don't worry
Things with Matt and I probably won't go anywhere
Yes, I had a crush on him when I was a kid
I'm sure we have absolutely nothing in common
Wow!
You were great!
I say that to everyone, but you really were
I also say that to everyone, but you really were
You.. were unbelievably awesome
Thanks
I get that alot
Yeah, I'm sure I'm no Sloane
Well, it's not a contest
No, I mean of course not. But if it were, I mean, come on right?
Right?
Ongo bongo bonger gee!
Ongo bongo binga bongaa
-Hello? -Hi Deedee. it's Sloane. Is Chelsea there?
Oh, no Dee Dee, no Chelsea!
Could you just put her on please?
Uhh, no Chelsea. Hang up. Adios!
What a strange bird..
Chelsea, it's not a fair comparison. Sloane was my girlfriend for two years
Are you seriously saying Sloane is better in bed than me?
Let's go grab breakfast
Oh my God
She was
-There's this great waffle house down some..- -No, we are going again!
Are you ready? You better get ready!
I'm really kinda beat
Kinda beat, huh? Oh, you're gonna sleep for days after this one
Chelsea didn't come home last night
I think she slept at Matt Gun's house
You think?
I had to lie to Sloane. I hate being crafty
Hey guys. What's up?
You tell us! What happened with Matt Gun?
To tell you the truth, it got kinda freaky
Really? So what's he into?
Sloane
What?!
Yeah, Matt said the sex with me was amazing
But apparently, not as amazing as it was with my sister
Oh wow, this bar towel is soft
It smells like the great outdoors
Sloane, huh?
I didn't know she had it in her
Well, she did. And, apparently, it was very happy
And this must be driving you crazy
I just don't know what she did that was so great
I don't know. Maybe Sloane was just more demur
Since when was that sexy?
How many pornos do you see called "Debby Does Quilting"?
I'd give that a once over
Remember, she did spend a week in Thailand with her tenth grade class
-Yeah, maybe she learnt how to shoot ping pong balls.. -Ooh, that * bye
Oh, it's Nicky!
She says she's coming by..
I wonder what she wants
It's her second time here in one week, what do you think she wants?
I trust to put Rick's chicken wing back in her blue cheese dip.
Coming
Chelsea, it's me
No Chelsea
No Chelsea, no Dee Dee!
-Dee Dee, I can see you -Oh
Hey, Sloane. I'm sorry, I'm practicing for a puppet show
Chelsea's not here.
Well as much as it pains me to say it, I actually owe her an apology..
..and I'm not coming to that puppet show
Oh..
We're sold out, anyway
The reviews have been terrific
Oh, really? The reviews? Who's been reviewing the puppet shows?
Oh.. The New York Review of .. Puppets
What's the puppet show about?
It's about children and diversity and recycling
Dee Dee, you're lying to me. I can smell it
Chelsea had sex with Matt Gun. I'm sorry!
She slept with him!?
But, he said you were better in bed
He said that?!
Yeah, he said you were better in bed
Oh my God
Except to giving birth to whats-her-face, this is the happiest day of my life!
Are you pumping up for Nicky?
I don't have a lot of money, leave me alone
Nicky, you look great, as always.
That's 'cause I'm pretty
It was really great receonnecting with you the other day
Yeah, you know, I've been thinking about it a lot too
That's why I feel comfortable just coming out with this
-I want you... -I want you, too.
-No no, let me finish, you're embarassing yourself. -Oh
I want you to hire me
Oh, no no no
Rick's balls better drop, right now
Why would you wanna work here when you're marrying a doctor?
Well, the truth is, right now, he's just a broke resident
Okay, but don't you think it'd be too hard being around each other all the time?
I don't like to work so it's better if I have a boss who's attracted to me
-You say the same thing! -Shhhhhhut up!
I rung up a butt-load of credit card bills
Can you please just give me a shot?
Oh well, that's a great idea. Let's shoot her
Hey, Chelsea
Oh, hey, Sloane
Oh hey, Sylvia
Oh, she's looking more and more like me
That's because she's passed out and drooling
Well, you seem happy
I am, having such a good day
Oooh
Listen, I was also thinking, you know what..
I thought it was wrong and immature of me to tell you not to go out with Matt Gun
Really? I mean I haven't thought about it since that day
But, you said he was off-limits
No, and I appreciate that
You're just being a good sister
But, I mean, he's a great guy
I think you should go out with him.
Maybe.. I mean if I can find his number
I bet you can
He was just very passionate..
and there was just.. you know it was a lot of fun..
and there was some things he was kind of really really into
I thought maybe would help you if you did wanna call him
Well what? I mean, what is it?
Well, I mean, it's like.. in the bedroom
Okay, yeah I don't even know if we'll get that far
You know?
Okay I guess I'll just leave
No wait, no no no let me look..
Incase we do
What thing?
Okay, well there was something that he really really really liked
Hi baby.. Who's my baby boy!
Look at you..
Loook at youuuu!
What's this??
Did somebody drop a rattle?
Do you wanna shakey wakey??
No.. No!!
You know, between the Sloane thing and this..
I think we oughta cut our losses..
I thought you liked baby play
Baby what?
What would make you think that?
Nothing
Nevermind
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to return some bath toys
Is that a diaper bag?
You'll never see me again, so.. yes!
Judge Judy is trying to decide if that fat guy stole the nice black lady's..
..security deposit
Dad, why do you come over here if you're just gonna to sit around and watch TV?
To be with my granddaughter!
Now, how about you fix me some toast?
I'm doing laundry!
I can't believe mom's dead and you're still here
She's looking down at you now..
..wishing you'd make me some toast
-Heyyy -Hope you're happy..
I just had to put my pants on in Matt Gun's elevator
Whoaa, this is time for girl talk
I think I'll just make some toast
You humiliated me
Well, I'm sorry..
I should've told you what he really liked, getting slapped around a little bit
Uh, I know that's a lie, because I tried that
Well, then you just need to deal with the fact that your older sister beat you..
..at your own game, and I was in highschool
BOOOYAHHH!
Alright, I get it.. You can gloat, I get it
I lied and I deserve it
Yes, you do
Sloane, just tell me what you did
I'm never gonna see this guy again..
-You really wanna know? -Yeah
More than a small person should
Yes
Ok, three words..
I loved him..
Okay, uhuh, and then you did what?
You know what, you need to sit down
I need to talk to you about emotion
So, cover up your coslopus and pay attention
Life is not all about sex, okay?
Wait, why do you smell like Bourbun?
Because, dad's been here all afternoon
Oh.
You know, I need you to just understand..
that I'm concerned about you and having an actual connection with someone
Someone that loves you, someone that appreciates all the great qualities that you have
Somebody that looks into your eyes
and loves that you're ridiculous
and loves that you're silly and messy, and all of the wonderful things about you
You can have that, and I want you to have that
I want you to have somebody who gives you all of those things
Not just someone who can give you an orgasm
See, when you say orgasm, it does not sound fun
Alright
Look, I just feel like..
..when that happens, it'll break through all the clutter and i'll just know
But, Sloane, that hasn't happened yet
I know, but you need to be open to it
That's why I dont wear underwear, Sloane
Wha..?
Joking
Look, I hear you..
..alright? I get it
Well, I guess I shouldn't return this to you
I didn't even get to use the thermometer
Is it safe to come back in?
-Orgasm! -Menstruation!
Eric, I've come by to pick up my paycheck.
Yep.
Are you kidding me?
Hi, can I help you?
Ahaha..
Ha-ha..
Would you like to sit at a bar or a table?
You don't remember me?
I'm sorry, I just started working here..
Oh my God, we met the other day
Oh right, you like to
eat the bar food and watch the game
Okay, um, Rick, can you ask your new waitress to make me a drink?
Oh, you're that one!
I like the cranky little asian better..
Yeah, so do I.